Being Nice vs. Being Kind
I was attending one of Walt Morgan’s classes for the Center for Executive Coaching a few months ago and something Walt said about being nice vs. kind cut straight to my core.
It was in Walt’s session about conflict.
He pointed out that: being nice is selfish. It’s about holding back.
Being kind is supportive. It’s about speaking the truth and asking the hard questions people won’t ask themselves.
Being kind is living in service to others.
For nearly 25 years, I built a career on being nice – among other things, of course, but being nice felt like a requirement for me to remain true to my values.
In grad school, Professor Morgan dubbed me, “Ms. Nice” (Prof. Morgan gave fitting nicknames to all of his students).
Of course that’s my nickname. I am nice.
I recall asking a leader for feedback in a 1:1 session. His response, “you’re too nice.”
Too nice?!
What the hell does that mean? Why would that be bad?
Perhaps he sees me as a pushover. Perhaps he sees me as weak. I work my butt off though.
How is that weak?
I thought about Walt’s message and the feedback from my leader some more, and I realized I am too nice.
I observed myself keeping my mouth shut and not pointing out when peers were wrong, or when they didn’t make sense, or when they should have been called out for not following through on commitments.
I thought I was doing this to keep the peace, to maintain collegial relationships, to be a sympathetic and understanding colleague.
Shortly after that, I was on a call with my mentor and I asked if we could talk through this.
She pointed out that by holding back, whether it’s under the auspice of keeping the peace or avoiding conflict, it’s robbing my teammates of the opportunity to correct themselves, to be more self-informed, to follow-through, and to be better leaders themselves.
It’s also robbing me of the opportunity to stand in my authority, to grow as a leader, and to be a kind colleague.
The shift was immediate. I recall a recent conversation where a peer presented data that was demonstrably flawed.
In the past, I would have kept quiet to avoid friction.
This time, I spoke up, kindly but firmly asking if I was understanding the situation correctly because the data showed something different. If we took the recommended approach, the results could have been disastrous. My colleague appreciated the correction and decided to pivot based on my input, saving us days of rework later.
From that point on, I have been fully committed to leading with kindness.
If you’re struggling with being too nice, remember that holding back the truth doesn’t keep the peace, it robs others of their potential. Lead with service, not comfort.
#Leadership #Authenticity #Communication